The Swing When You Begin to Awaken
Entry 33 ~ From, "The Universe Loves Me! To, I Just Wanna Cry"
July 22, 2020 (Journal Entry)
The Universe loves me. We are one. There’s only been one other time in my life where things have felt truly, soulfully, joyous to me. When I was pregnant with Jane, and after she was born. (With Natalie I had postpartum depression, so I can’t say the same thing). I was practicing Yoga everyday throughout the pregnancy and was as present as I’d ever been.
Things are so good. I will never stop daily meditation. Life is too good when I have that connection.
Is this what good church feels like to people?
Glad I found my church.
5 Days Later…
July 27, 2020
Clearly I’ve been in a mood. And, I’ve been doing everything in my power to prevent it. It has almost created a setback in my progress. I’m so glad I followed my inspired action to get my zoom classes going, because had I waited until now, I likely would have found a reason not to do it.
Especially if I had been completely at the whim of this most recent hormonal downfall. I’ve been way more annoyed and irritated. I am aware of it, but it is still getting the best of me.
I was doing everything I could - meditating, yoga, even taking Maca. The hormones still got me. I felt myself extra annoyed with work situations, the kids, and the husband. I even yelled in anger a few times over the last several days.
What is it about hormonal fluctuations and the overactive mind? With all of this afoot, many of my old tricks came back to repeat themselves. With my ability to talk myself out of things at the forefront.
The quitter in me lies.
I learned how to quit from a very young age. It is instinctual, and I have sold myself short in this life more often than not. Seems like something of a theme with me.
July 29, 2020
Sometimes being a mom can feel really lonely. When the kids don’t need you, or want you around. I’m a pretty strong person, but sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I feel as small as I physically am (4’11”).
But sometimes I feel small and sad, like now.
Today my oldest asked to meet up with her friends and wanted me to drop her off unseen, so she could walk up without me near. She disappeared with her friends, and I sat in the parking lot and worried. Then I took a deep breath and drove away.
I guess this is why people should have kids when they are young. That way nobody is around when you hit perimenopause and just want to cry.
I’m still meditating daily and doing extra yoga, but I feel completely unmotivated. I’m going through motions, doing what I do, but with a sullen feeling. Like I wanna cry.
Is it hormones? Is it the weather? It’s too hot to take my long daily walks and I just can’t get up super early, or wanna go out very late. I’m betting that not walking has an influence on my mood.
I’m just so fucking unmotivated, unexcited, and feeling spark-less, even though like a week ago it was just the opposite.
I don’t like getting old. Maybe I should get botox and pretend I am younger. Maybe I should go to sleep and forget it.
Why are so many people just fine doing all they do and feel no pressure to do more?
And why do I feel like somehow, I’m never doing enough?
That feeling went away for a while, so why is it back?
Why do I wanna just cry?
Why do I feel like someone is poking me and trying to push me down?
There is nobody here. I can’t see anyone trying to push me down.
Why do I listen to the stories in my head - is perhaps the better question.
How can thoughts create feelings and symptoms?
Why do I feel almost instantly a little better, by simply calling out those thoughts for what they are?
Just Breathe.